I have never spoken with a certified therapist or been diagnosed with a mental disorder. All I know is that at times I suffer from a period of depression, which later goes away just to return so it can repeat the cycle.
On the week of August 22, 2022, I was feeling severely depressed about the state of my life. Call it a case of midlife crisis. I didn’t want to do anything except lay in bed and contemplate ways to end the pain once and for all. Past failures and humiliations haunted me. I could not see a future where my dreams would come true, leaving me in a state of misery until my heart would finally give in. Although I’ve always managed in the past to pull myself out of the hole to see the sun again, this particular period was darker than any other. I felt that the hole was too deep for me to climb through. Or maybe I no longer had the energy.
To my utmost surprise, although I should have expected this to happen, divine intervention saved me. On the morning of August 24, instead of going outside for a walk, I came across two divine messages coming from the most unlikely yet familiar of places: Twitter and local television.
Divine Intervention #1
Unmotivated to get out of bed, the first thing I did that morning was launch the Twitter app from my phone. As I scrolled down the feed, not paying attention to the ridiculousness I usually see, one tweet caught my attention. It was from a professional wrestler who I didn’t follow on the app, but I follow his career in the ring and have so for many years. His name is Mike Bennett, and recently he has been using his account to tweet positive and inspiring messages unrelated to wrestling.
The tweet read: Don’t quit. You are so close.
That’s it. It was just those six simple words that caught my attention. It was as if the message was tweeted to me and only me. Someone in the spirit realm knew of my depression and wrote those words to remind me not to give up just because life is getting harder.
The tweet made me recall an article I read years ago about the comparison of the survival spirit between animals and humans. Animals do what is necessary to survive. They hunt, they protect themselves and their children, they fight back when attacked, they never give up. Humans do the same, but they are a more complicated species driven by consciousness, egos, and power. When we reach obstacles, instead of using our minds and ingenuities to conquer them, some of us convince ourselves that the path is blocked and the only thing left to do is give up. Giving up leads to misery and an early grave. Giving up is an indication of weakness. Throughout history, humans have conquered animal territories—sadly—they have overthrown countries, they have conquered death to an extent, and they may have secretly conquered extra-terrestrials. But when our egos, for example, are attacked, some of us easily submit to the attackers because their egos are extremely fragile. They give up when unknowingly it may take one simple task, like taking a deep breath or reminding themselves that they are enough, to take that giant step in conquering their demons.
I have made much progress in my writing career so far. And although I have not reached the level of success I had anticipated by this age, quitting will mean all that I have done to this point would have been for nothing. Truthfully, I do not know how close I am to reaching one of my first goals, which is becoming gainfully employed in the publishing industry, but I cannot quit. Quitting would mean going back to my former life when I was not contributing my writing talents to society. No thanks.
When I graduated from college, I stopped looking for work in writing and editing because I was not getting any interviews, and I was getting hungry. A couple of months ago, I was given an opportunity for a do-over to fight for my chance at the life I wanted.
Do I stay strong and keep fighting, or do I give up and allow life's challenges to destroy me?
I choose the former.
Divine Intervention #2
Every weekday morning, I dedicate an hour of my time to watch Leave it to Beaver reruns on MeTV. Aside from being one of my favorite black-and-white sitcoms, and it always sends an important life lesson I can use to tackle the day. This episode was the one where Beaver’s friend, Whitey, pressures him into climbing to the top of a billboard to see if there is soup inside the giant bowl that was emitting steam. I love the part when Whitey is watching Beaver climb his way to the bowl and he smirks and says to himself, “Yeah, I’m a dumb kid alright.” Beaver, unfortunately, becomes stuck inside the bowl and has to be rescued by the fire department. The town along with his brother and father are watching the scene, and he wants nothing more than to hide inside a hole. When Ward has a talk with him, he offers him words of advice he learned when he was a boy: Look to improve, not to approve.
Just like with Mike Bennett’s tweet, I felt as if the message was directed to me, and only me. It’s interesting how some of us go through life seeking the approval of others to gain satisfaction or to achieve accomplishments. It could be people we admire or people we do not like but want them to like us. In some situations, the price of seeking approval can be the forsaking of the identity. In the past, I have often changed my way of talking and thinking to match the person I was around at the time to gain their respect and friendship. Truthfully, I did not believe they would accept me for the "boring" person I thought I was. As a result, I have ended up confused and lost, I would end up in some type of embarrassing situation like Beaver, I would hate myself, and I would be friendless. Even to this day, I have to keep reminding myself that living for the approval of others is not worth it.
For young people, seeking approval from peers can include changing the way they talk and dress, participating in dangerous stunts, or stealing or robbing a store. For adults, it can be throwing the biggest party and sparing no expense, owning the flashiest whip (car), or spending thousands of dollars on plastic surgery to look younger. All to prove they are some sort of big shot.
In some situations, it is important to give a good impression to gain approval from parties that can help you reach a certain achievement, such as applying for a job. The interviewer is not only determining if you have the required skills for the position, but they are also determining if your personality is genuine and pleasant. Most of the time they will know if you are faking it.
Some of us are so desperate to gain approval that we may go to certain extremes like damaging our bodies to demonstrate our toughness and loyalty. I knew an old friend from a former job who branded his shoulder to display a college fraternity’s symbol to gain acceptance. I don’t know what he is doing with his life today, but what if he is no longer associating with his frat brothers and regrets mutilating his body for a temporary cause?
Living for the approval of others can cause us to lie, commit outrageous acts, and change our behaviors, which ultimately leads us to disregard our own identities. Being better humans and improving our craft are the foundations for becoming stronger and surviving.
These divine interventions were much-needed wake-up calls to bring me back to reality. I came to realize that my problem was fearing my writing will never be good enough to please any audience. But how will I know if I quit too soon without reaching out to more people? Incidentally, I know my journey will not get easier. There will be more obstacles blocking my path and I may not receive another sign to encourage me to stay strong and keep fighting. That is why I decided to store the messages I received that morning in a special place inside my phone, and I wrote them on a piece of paper and taped it on a wall in my workplace.
We are all put in this world to live.
We are designed to get stronger and survive.
If you are facing depression and feel there is no more hope in your world, talk to someone, anyone. You can even call the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 and stay anonymous.
Bad times don’t last forever, and you are stronger than you know.
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